


Psychiatric Care(less)

by yuffiehighwind



Series: An Eternity in Cheese Country [16]
Category: Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Dual Identity, Gen, Milwaukee, Modern Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-01
Updated: 2000-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:30:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuffiehighwind/pseuds/yuffiehighwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Of course the cow insulted you. But why’d you have to attack it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Psychiatric Care(less)

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the 'fic series "An Eternity in Cheese Country," and here's why - after they were killed by Callisto and Xena, the souls of Strife, Discord, and Deimos were reincarnated in the late 20th century into three humans named Steve, Veronica, and Dave.

Discord walked into the waiting room of Dr. J. M. Heidenslider’s office and looked around. There was a couch to her left, some abstract paintings on the wall above it. The doctor's door lay straight ahead, with the receptionist's desk to Discord's right. A tall potted plant stood beside the desk. Gangly and embarrassingly fake-looking, it failed to give life to the off-white room or offer clients any comfort. End tables topped with sickeningly green lamps flanked the couch and out-of-date magazines had been scattered on the coffee table.

Discord approached the receptionist, who was reading a book. The woman had her back to Discord, who peered over her shoulder to see what the woman was reading. After a moment of zero acknowledgement, she loudly cleared her throat next to the woman’s ear, making her jump. Smirking, Discord returned to the front of the desk and crossed her arms.

"Can I help you?" asked the receptionist. She appeared entirely disinterested and her gaze returned to her book.

"Yeah, I’m looking for a Dr. Heidenslider. Is he here?"

The receptionist arched an eyebrow. "You got an appointment?"

Discord slapped a notice on the desk - a signed document from the county judge. The receptionist glanced at the paper, quickly scanning its contents. "Malicious assault on bovine" and "mentally unstable" were choice phrases on the sheet. The woman bit her lip trying not to laugh.

"He’s in there." She nodded her head, refocusing her gaze on her book. Discord forced a smile and started for the door.

"So you got cow troubles, eh?"

Discord ignored the remark and opened the door to find J.M. Heidenslider. She had expected some old, white-haired coot (possibly loonier than her) with a pipe and huge, ugly eyeglasses. Probably stupid, mortal furniture in lots of brown and maroon. The office's decor met her expectations, but the man did not.

He was quite young – okay, he was in his late 30s or early 40s, but a 90-year-old was a _baby_ to Discord. After all, she was 2,500 years old, not including the major timewarp from early AD to the year 1998. He had light skin and light brown hair. Fairly short, but not neat. Uncombed, like he had rolled out of bed. He'd still bothered to put on a suit, but no tie. He wasn’t a handsome man - more like a weasel than a Clooney - but he had an aura of arrogance that Discord found sexy. She licked her lips.

Walking over to the recliner he lounged in, feet on his desk, she saw he was also reading. The people in this office were apparently well-read but rude as hell. He showed no sign of awareness she was present. Either he hadn’t noticed her or didn’t care she was there.

"AHEM." 

Again, Discord loudly cleared her throat. She liked the disgusting sound it made.

Not a twitch.

"Hey," she said. "Hey you." Discord bent down and got right up in his face. "Hey, I’m talkin’ to you!"

"And you, young lady, are bending at such an angle that I can see clear down your tiny black halter top." He looked up and smirked. "And the view isn’t half bad."

At the doctor’s first "encouraging" words, Discord looked affronted and said, "And _I_ could see clear up your nose while I was down there."

The doctor flipped the page. "All alike, you girls. You wear those skimpy little outfits – tubetops I can barely fit around my wrist – and then get pissy when someone acknowledges your cleavage is showing." He met Discord's eyes and asked, "What’s the purpose of wearing them if you don’t want the attention?"

Discord chuckled. "Okay, doctor." She sat down on the couch across from him. "Heal me."

"What’s your problem? Dress too tight? Lose more weight; problem solved. NEXT!"

"I didn’t come here to discuss fashion."

"What'd you come for, then? To annoy me?" 

"I’ll have you know that my presence was mandated."

"By whom?"

"By your stupid little government. I broke one of their ‘laws,’ told my side of the story – the _truth_ – in their 'court,' and they deemed me mentally unstable."

"As if I care. NEXT!"

"Hold on, buster, I’m not finished."

"Too bad, I am. Cherile, next patient!"

"There aren’t any other patients. When I was out there, Cherile was the only other person in the room."

"Just out of curiosity, why’d they say you were mentally unstable?"

"I attacked...a cow."

"You what?"

"It was slandering my good name. It insulted me! Called me a whore!"

He chuckled. "I'll bet it wasn’t far from the truth." Discord glared daggers at the man. "I mean, uh…" He feigned empathy. " _Of course_  the cow insulted you. But why’d you have to attack it?"

"It pissed me off! And it…it was just… _standing_  there, all smug, so I did what any person would do. I took off my black pumps and beat that bovine until it begged for mercy! And then I beat it with the other shoe just for kicks."

"That’s pretty fucked up. They arrested your sorry ass, I figure?"

"I wasn’t sorry. That cow deserved every hit it took!"

"You told the judge the cow slandered your name?"

"Of course!"

"And they carted you off to jail?"

"Yeah, those fuckin' assholes!"

"How’d you get out?"

"That’s one little detail I neglected to mention. My roommate happens to be sleeping with the owner’s daughter." Discord laughed. "My boy sweet-talked her into forgiving me. Then she explained to her father that I’m 'schizophrenic.' They dropped the charges but the town’s still spooked, so I had to see a therapist. And here I am."

"And here you are." There was a long pause before the doctor called out, "NEXT!"

"Hold on, asswipe, I’m not done talking."

"Yes," he said, as the door opened, "you are."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Since "Wounds Are Full of Salt" takes place in the winter of '98/99, this takes place autumn 1998.
> 
> Originally composed in 2000; revised January 2015.


End file.
